Walking with grief...

The hubs and I drive west on the interstate toward the farmers' market.  A couple of weeks ago we drove the same route to the Uptown Art Fair.  We have driven this route more times than I can begin to count over the last 7 or so years.  This time it feels so very different, a huge change.

And now our journey is over.  Or at least the routine has changed.  Forever.

We've driven to a senior residence where our loved ones lived for so many of their last years.  Norman was there first and ended up staying, living his last years in memory care.  Brenda went into assisted living 5 years ago and last December after a fall that was devastating, she moved into memory care.  Her last four months were in hospice.  And she moved to heaven a few weeks ago.  We were not blood, but she called us their "appointed family."

Twice a week for years now.  Twice a week I would drive to see her.  On Mondays after I taught my yoga class I would go by myself for what she called our "girl visits." Fridays the hubs and I would go together and take a pot of coffee (she hated the stuff made at the residence) and a small nip of Irish for her to enjoy for what she said was her "happy hour" to start the weekend.  Many visits we would stroll down two levels to see Norman until 2020 when Covid took him quickly.  The same route, the same routine and as happens when death steps into the picture, the routine changes the route drastically.

Everything changes now.  What was routine for so long is now left to the ambiguous.

The homeless man on the exit off Penn avenue...when will I/we see him again?  We have things for him every trip...hand and toe warmers for his shoes, blankets we get from others who pass them along to us so that we may donate to the people on the exits.  We have socks, hats and gloves we get from Costco in bundles and keep in the back of our cars to give out to the homeless.  Sweatshirts, sweaters and donated coats, protein bars and water...the backseat is always full of things to pass along.  The gentleman at Penn was always so very grateful and thanks us...who will bring him things this coming winter to keep him safe and warm?

Because now the route is done.  It has all changed.

Walking with grief is a precarious path.  There is the road we take that lets us sigh that enormous sigh that they are at peace.  The hard fight is over and they are light and young again laughing and enjoying reunions with loved ones.  There is the path left to walk that is a roller coaster of sorts.  The racing to the bottom of the hill in a feeling of blurring speed to get arrangements handled and contacts made.  The slow purposeful climb up the hill feeling in dealing with endless paperwork and detail.  The numbness of going through belongings left; items once treasured that now have no home or meaning it seems.  The emptiness of standing at the cemetery wondering which spot they will be in.

There are those moments that are enveloped in grief that you want to laugh at the absurdity of some things and yet you wonder to each other if it would be disrespectful to utter that chuckle.  The solemn discussion with a funeral director that our beloved "appointed family" members wanted to be co-mingled and he informs you that you need to shop for an urn online because they don't have companion urns at the funeral home.  Questioning where to look, he suggests you start looking first on Amazon, maybe Costco or Target or Walmart.  And on the drive home, the hubs and I agree that you just can't make this up...shopping for a final resting spot online.

The sincere, beautiful, loving compassion and empathy shown by every single government worker we came into contact with who helped with scheduling the interment at the national cemetery.  She wanted to honor his naval service during World War II.  She spoke often of the beautiful ceremony that would be a "send off."  But in her detailed instructions to me regarding their final resting arrangements she was specific that they NOT be put in the ground.  "If you can find a spot there NOT in the ground, that would be lovely!"  

And we did.  But, sweet sufferin' jazus the hurdles to get there...

And with each hurdle, we encountered another pitfall and another kind soul to soften that fall.  Kind people who offered condolences and called after their work hours to let us know that the next step had been completed and it would not be much more on the path to getting them interred.  Government employees who, I am quite certain, encounter loved ones grieving who probably shout, swear and berate them in frustration.  And they, every single one, were so kind and patient with our questions and constant calls.

And in all of this, when will we have time to grieve...

And how will it play out?  

I remember when my parents died, six months apart, I was in constant motion until right after we sold the house and the hubs and I returned from a vacation away.  He asked me about planting hostas behind the deck and I told him of a specific type I wanted there.  When he asked where we'd get them, I replied "I'll have to call my mom and ask where she found hers."  His jaw dropped.  As will happen, you forget that they are gone from earth and make a statement like that.  They had been gone almost a year and it was the first time I'd done that.

The wheels came off the cart at that point and I was a hot mess for months.  I sat and watched Dr. Phil for a solid month...that tells you how bad it was :)  

So how will it play out now that we do not make Friday trips to Brenda with coffee and Jameson?  How will our days feel in a few weeks when they are interred and the ceremony is done and we toast them one last time with family and friends?  How will that feel to embrace that void?

There will be a lot of paperwork and such.  There are only a few material items left to sort through.  A new routine.  A new path.  Conversations with them both will be one-way.  But we are blessed with their family as our own now.

As life paths play out, people come and go.  Some of them have been lessons, some foundations, some blessings.  Brenda's two octogenarian sisters could not be more a part of our heart if we were blood, as well as their families.  Norman's niece and nephew are new to us but quickly have become a lovely part of our lives.  

Grief can create in your mind's eye that cold, grey space that leaves you feeling profoundly and completely empty.  That void in your gut that feels like you have a hole in your very soul.  That heaviness in your chest that feels like you can't catch your breath.  It is the physical pain, the mental anguish, the emotional devastation of losing someone you love and knowing that though they are still "there," they are not truly there for you as they have always been.

But, if you have never grieved, never truly felt it...you've never truly and deeply loved.

Grateful for a dear friend...

It has taken me so long to put my thoughts, my heart to my post here.  Every time I began to write this one the words would not come because grief was too strong still and the shock hung thick over me like the winter clouds that are perpetual here in the upper midwest winter.  But here I go again to try to put into words my pal Mike.

Ubuntu. I was listening to the podcasts with the late Nelson Mandela and he spoke of ubuntu.  It seemed to describe Mike and everyone he touched.  I am because we are.  He touched and influenced SO many!

Mike moved to Heaven a couple of months ago and left an enormous void for everyone he touched.  The last time a passing hit me this hard was one of my besties, Sherry.  I still think "I should text Mike about this court decision, it will be good conversation for our next Zoom meeting."  Or his next book to add to the list...

And such was the case last November.  I started writing this as I learned Mike was gone and will try to sum up what his friendship to me was.  And if you read my blog,  you know that I write entirely from my heart...

So the roll of emotion with losing my friend began last fall when I had the opportunity to go to Costco unsupervised one afternoon.  I note that it was unsupervised because I love to just stroll the store alone.  One of my favorite strolls in that store is the book table.  Though of late it is a bit lacking when it comes to publications on my wish list.  Nevertheless, I always give it a quick look when I am there.  Such was the case recently when I found a book on Abraham Lincoln and knew exactly who I would buy the book for.  My friend Mike.  We were colleagues, he was a mentor and an amazing friend over the span of many, many years.  This was just up his alley!  I prepared a box with a note and bound it up to send off but realized I did not have his address handy.  I set the box aside and for a stretch of days forgot all about it.

A few days later I texted him that I had this great book to send him and about an hour later a reply text from his daughter told me that Mike has passed away 3 days earlier.  

These are the gut punches that take some time moving beyond.  I knew that Mike was in the process of battling cancer, but this I did not expect.  How do I process that my remarkable friend, mentor and zoom buddy is no longer present?  He was a dear friend I never expected to connect with...it was pure chance that we became good friends.

More than two decades ago, I was at the annual HR conference held by my professional association and I had just passed my professional exam.  I was SO excited about this particular conference for so many reasons!  The lovely ladies that I roomed with each year had gone to the nearby dollar store and bought the closest thing they could get to a vase which was a toilet brush with holder and put a dozen roses in it as part of the congratulatory arrival surprise.  Accompanying my bouquet was a delightful bottle of wine named "Fat Bastard" and a t-shirt with my credentials on it.  It was a beautiful June weekend and I was excited about having passed my exam, having time with my beloved gal pals, and navigating what was typically 12,000 people and about 1200 vendors.  

Like most international conferences, there were concurrent learning sessions every day, all day.  Some years this organization really hit the mark, some years not so much.  This was a year that I found one speaker that truly made an enormous difference not only in my career but life because he became a wonderful part of my path.  Mike held a session that was not only great information I could take back to train clients but he was so open and accessible to talk to that I could not wait to engage him in conversation about some of the work scenarios I encountered.

As years went by, we stayed in touch by email and on occasion I would ask his permission to reference his copyrighted materials in my training sessions providing he got credit for creation.  As conversations expanded, Mike was that person that would email in return to my questions and send documents saying "take my training session information here and use what you can, please just credit me."  Giving this brilliant guy credit was a no brainer!  But it was so very humbling to have him share his creations with me.

As the pandemic hit us all early in 2020, Mike suggested that we have zoom "meetings" though all we were "meeting" about was catching up on what we were doing.  Mike's beloved wife Joanie was a nurse (not long ago retired) and he was so very proud to tell about her hard work and long hours caring for people going through so much.  He delighted in telling me that his latest project was assigned by his grandson and they were building a monster truck together in the back yard.  I regularly got text messages with pictures showing the progress of the monster truck as they built and painted and created.  He told me about his daughters Danielle who lived nearby and Nicole in Boston and what was going on with them.  His pride in his family was something that I loved hearing about.  He loved the days when his grandkids were there playing in the California sunshine of his backyard.

He had the best sense of humor...just like my Dad and father-in-law; that dry humor that if you don't know it, you're not sure if the person is kidding or not.  I loved it because it reminded me of Dad and my father-in-law; two men I adored but are no longer here with me.  Mike announced to me one "meeting" that he and Joanie were going to buy a camper and come park in our driveway for a week in the coming fall so that they could see the colors.  That was Mike's sense of humor because he knew the stories of the neighborhood "rules" here.

An opinion came out in 2021 from the Supreme Court and he sent me a copy and asked what I thought about it.  When Ruth Bader Ginsburg died, he let me know in no uncertain terms what side of the aisle he was on and THEN we could talk about her contribution to women's role in society.  

Mike said that he had a stack of books that he was plowing through and he was a voracious reader.  We laughed that though we shared a great deal of interest in the same subject matter, he had no desire to sit on the patio and read Nora Roberts when it came to literature.  His passion for reading inspired me to review my "stack" and commit to attacking the myriad of subjects in it.  When I mentioned that looking at the stack put me off because it felt overwhelming at times, he said to me "Oh that's easy, you just commit to one chapter a night.  If you go more, great.  But one chapter a night."  I'm working on that Mike.

We discussed spirituality a bit, thoughts about organized religion, things in life that shaped our path as we grew in our careers.  Despite some differences in ideology, we had experienced so many similar situations that were impactful and so much was congruent in how we viewed our desire to see people grow into the best iteration of themselves in their jobs.  We both loved our jobs training and teaching people to find their best, be good leaders, learn every day.

As I prepared to retire from consulting (training and leadership/management consulting) and just teach yoga and do personal training, I wanted to leave my last client with really good material.  Mike and I had a zoom date and I was fretting a bit about what I perceived as my lack of impact at this location.  Mike and I talked about some of the things that were in place at this client and he told me to check my email and read through what he was going to send.  And there it was...some of his material on training leads that he told me would work (we thought) well with my final quarter at this client site.  Why was I not surprised...kind, generous, scary smart, simply amazing.

Ubuntu.  That is you Mike.  I am because we are.  And I am most confident that from your lofty perch that you are still wondering who you could help, whose life you could help make happier/better/more productive.  You are that beloved guardian angel for Joanie, Danielle and the kids, Nicole, and all of the people who love and miss you. 

There are so many in my life I am grateful for and suddenly I am moved to write more about them.  I think that is a little of Mike's motivation as well.  Because there are so many that fit into the ubuntu definition.  I hope he can see how many people have become their best selves because of him and his influence.

So Mike, I have a great book to take to the beach on vacation.  I'm excited about it.  An autobiography that is a person who was an enormous influence on getting apartheid abolished and Mandela out of prison.  A dynamic actor and musician in a band that I love...a Renaissance man maybe?  But somehow I am guessing it's not your taste...

Stevie Van Zandt of the E Street Band, Sopranos, and Underground Garage fame.  Unrequited Infatuations is the book.

Yeah, you're more an Abraham Lincoln read.  But I'll let you know how I like it.

Keep guiding us from above my friend.  I miss our video connections and your humor.  And pictures of the monster truck.  Until we meet again... I will pass the torch and share what I can as you did with such honor to all of us.  I am so very grateful for you.

Grateful for a beautiful prelude to the next step

Waves outside crash against the coral and limestone shore with distinct punctuation.  Some are a WHEEEEEE of spray that is audible, ending in an exclamation point.  Others are a solid thud of a period at the end of a statement.  It is a sound that I will never tire of and laying in bed at 3AM it is calming adding to the volume of peace my heart feels on this vacation.  

The hubs retired last week and my day is at the end of the month.  I will continue to teach yoga and do personal training at a local fitness center but my days in the corporate world doing consulting are done with the exception of a little something in the form of a project each year to keep my professional credentials current.  

This vacation has been like none previously spent on our island paradise.  We've been coming for 27 years now, at least twice a year and each trip has its own special memories.  Three of those trips saw new fur kids come into our home and one is there now cuddled with her furry sister next to our beloved neighbor gal who housesits for us.  We have 3 sleeps to go before we have to get on a plane to return to the frozen, grey, brown spot we call home.  I am feeling pangs of regret that we did not take 10 days instead of a week because right now I need the additional down time.  

We have decompressed quickly this time.  Laying in chaises by the infinity pool that drops its view directly to the sea.  The beginning of the morning is spent cat-napping and quick dips in the pool to cool off then reapplying the white paste that is sunscreen.  The hubs has a book I gave him for Christmas that he moves through methodically between siestas.  I have a book as well and have adopted the same leisurely pace of reading.  A tiny bluetooth speaker sits between us on a pool table gently allowing music from the  Buena Vista Social Club to melt into the seaside sunshine.  

Getting to this peace was something I did not think would happen, especially this quickly.  Getting the hubs retired was no small effort.  The paperwork, the return of the company car, the return of all of the technology, GAWD it was EXHAUSTING!  So by the time we got on an early morning flight to connect in Dallas, I would have walked to Cozumel given the chance.  But off we went and when we connected in Dallas the assortment of characters we picked up to go onto Cozumel, well...  was interesting.  Travel always is...  And it added one more layer to the complete feeling of WT___? that I had been experiencing in getting to this vacation point.

One of these characters insisted on making sure we all were aware of his presence.  He was roughly 60, 5'5", 300 lb with about 3 dozen hairs on his head tied into a tiny ponytail with a rubber band.  I doubt he had washed those hairs, his body, or shaved in a good 10 days or so.  His voice landed on the senses like sandpaper.  His Hawaiian shirt clearly did not cover his belly that took on the form of what my Dad used to call a "Dunlop" as in his huge belly "done lopped over his belt."  (You have the picture yet?)  Neither the shirt nor his shorts had seed a Tide pod in quite a long time either and I tried not to look at what his feet sported knowing it could not be any better that the full monty I was looking at.  

As we took off from DFW and made it to cruising altitude, I got up and made my way to the back of the plane to use the lav.  In the galley directly behind the opposite facing lavs stood two female flight attendants prepping the service cart.  They appeared to be a bit younger than myself (who will be into Medicare next year...)  I checked the lavs to see if there was a green indicator showing one open and one of the two was "green."  I opened the door.

What came next was NOTHING I expected to say the very least.  I opened the door to find Mr. Hawaiian shirt standing in front of the toilet.  As I gasped and uttered "Oh my God, I'm so sorry,"  he wheeled around to face me, one hand "in position" and the other waving at me saying "no problem!"

You cannot make this stuff up, I thought as I stepped into the galley.

I apologized to the flight attendants for stepping into their space and one looked at me and stoically said "Uhhhhh huh, can't unsee that, can you?"  I asked if she knew he was in there and she and her compadre giggled and the other gal said, "burned in your brain forever, isn't it?  We've been there."  We shared a few good giggles and Mr. Hawaiian shirt came out of the lav and made his way back to his seat...3 seats behind mine.

As we FINALLY got through immigration (the line was worse than ever this trip) and to the condo, the smell of the sea air seeped into every pore of my body.  There is something about the smell of the sea that is like no other and it instills almost instant calm in me.  We got to the condo and went in and immediately went out on the balcony and looked at the sea.  Stood and looked at the water...  

  

Our dear, dear friends from Canada stay in the condo next door.  We lovingly exchanged hugs and said hello as they walked out.  We have not seen them in 3 years.  I didn't realize how much I missed them.  His hair is whiter and is what I wish mine would look like, hers is longer and beautiful gentle curls; she calls it her pandemic hair.  It is so wonderful to be there with them; easy couple to be good friends with.  We find spots around the pool and talk during the day but there is not that feeling that you have to hang together.  They are just "easy" friends to be there with.

We have our traditions in Cozumel and on the trip every March we have our dinner with our Canadian pals.  For years it was the same spot and that was remodeled and just not the same.  We found a spot on the water in town and it was lovely and we could see sunset.  But this year we went to a spot that we had not been together but individually over the years.  Beautiful location, restaurant, amazing food and great company.  Sunset was stunning as it always is and the annual dinner was 5-star.

I can't remember feeling this relaxed in a long time.  And it feels like everything on this trip is a delight to the senses.  We've slept every night with the windows and balcony doors open with a breeze floating through like a silk sheet gently laid on top of us.  The smell of the fresh bananas I've been eating is intoxicating.  And knowing that they came off of someone's tree locally in the last few days adds to the taste when I choose one for breakfast. The limes that I cut to put into my cold beer simply tickle the nose with their incredible freshness.   Fish that was swimming that morning tastes so sweet and the vera cruz part of its preparation is savory with local herbs and veggies.  The perfect blend of the margarita at our traditional first night dinner spot is the perfect end of the hot day spent napping and reading.  And as we lay in bed drifting off, the sound of the palm leaves brushing against each other in the wind is like a quiet percussion to soothe the soul. 

   

Visually it is sometimes more than I can imagine Mother Earth is capable of and yet here it is.  The blue of the ocean is hard to describe and a color I cannot take my eyes from when I see it.  The bougainvilleas in their magenta outerwear outside our kitchen window and all over the island simply shout their beauty as we drive by.  The hibiscus is the color of the tropical sun and joins the bougainvilleas in proclaiming their presence.  The beautiful colors of the buildings...yellows, blues, bright pinks and such can cheer even the coldest winter soul.

It is all just more than I could have asked for in preparing to get here.  I always hate the prep of packing, getting things ready for the sitter to stay with the pups, the "getting here" on the plane and through immigration...it is wearing and people are more hateful and rude than ever so it is a test of patience to just get to where we stand and look at the sea, smell it, and open a cold beer as we sit and exhale.  But this trip...  

This year seems to have been more than either of us could have imagined and I cannot think of a time when I feel like I need it all more than I do right now.  The coming days will be a big change for the hubs and I hope as life moves along he will find his groove.  I am already there, just need to close out this last client and then keep teaching yoga and doing personal training.  I'm ready, I hope he is.  I've been working paying jobs, the ones that pay into taxes and social security, since my 14th birthday.  I'm ready...

Let the retirement commence!  

But for now, let me have the sound of the waves, the smell of the limes and bananas, the colors of the island and a little more Buena Vista Social Club music...maybe a margarita tomorrow afternoon.  Then maybe I can handle the thought of coming home to taxes and snow.  

Maybe...

For now, I'll soak in my island blessings.  Every moment I can get...

Random (not throwback) Thursday

 It's been a stretch since I actually devoted time to this gratitude repository.  Yet three times a week when I teach yoga to my university students, during integration I ask them to either set an intention or think of something they are grateful for.  So I had just a slew of random thoughts that may resonate and may make you smile...

Close your eyes here...what is your favorite smell or scent of spring?  Take a moment, go there.  Grass cut for the first time?  Lilacs, tulips?  Mine is hyacinth.  It can take me at any time to a spring Saturday in our backyard oasis to me wandering and finding my bulbs up and the intoxicating breaths in of the most delightful scent of rebirth I can think of...lilacs and lillies of the valley are a close second.  But the hyacinth has me by the nose.

So I offer this up and fall head first into the scent in my kitchen generously provided by the beautiful bulb in a vase the loving hubs brought home to me from the local small grocery store.  I walk in the front door, I walk in the garage door and it's gentle sweetness calls to me from the kitchen to warm my soul from the drive in the northern tundra that we live in that at this time of year is easily (and has been) double digits air temp below 0.  I'm intoxicated with the thought of spring...and yet...

Yeah that was for real...air temp...

So my yoga students...I am so grateful for my job teaching yoga at the university where I used to teach them management and business classes.  My role is now my retirement path, my avocation if you will.  And I love it immensely!  From my boss who is one amazing young guy who is always kind and supports  me in simply ANY way possible with his grace to his mentoring to the students of the rec center who are bright and engaging and kind and just plain amazing!  And my students in yoga itself...my couple of hockey players who come to stretch and tell me they squat deeper after class, my couple of football players, one of whom is easily 6'6" and 270 lbs and asks how to modify his half pigeon (look it up if you don't know what it is...) to my regulars at 6:30AM who show up to peacefully close their eyes and glide through sequence to keep stress at bay to the 5PM regulars who sweetly call out to me their thanks and goodbyes each week. I love knowing they come to have fun and find a spot in their lives to relax and let peace come in.  I treasure every one of them more than they know, especially the ones who are my fellow employees...I have a special kinship with them.  

The vacation coming up...OH. MY. GAWD do I want to find the beach, sun, book, beer, ohana, mi hermanas and a freaking margarita...possibly a chile relleno at our fave spot, Casa Denis restaurant.  Time...I am grateful for slowing, quieting, letting go...    SOON.  The warm sun on my body sinking deep inside to warm spots that just seem cold all of the time now.

Retirement... I am so grateful that the hubs is days away.  He more than deserves it and I'm excited for the new path he's looking at.  The rest of the year to do a few "honey-do's" and then row on the river together and work on the yard/garden he's been imagining.  He's been traveling for work the whole 30 years we have been together so I'm grateful he will be safe with me after 30 years of planes and automobiles (no trains that I can think of)  Cannot wait to get rowing on open water!  I'm so ready!

I'm a grad student again!  Age has many privileges and it turns out that in my state and the school where I taught business and now teach yoga, I can take classes FREE because I'm "of that age" and also can take them in audit status.  Audit means I just go and learn; no exams, no projects or papers, no homework!  I'm taking a class in Exercise Science and am grateful for the opportunity but also for the great professor I have.  Dr. R is a great teacher and it is easy to be in his class because he is that guy who puts it out there in a way that is easy to understand.  He's got great stories that connect it all and he is also very supportive of a retiree sitting in his class.  I have shoes older than the students AND Dr. R but it's so awesome to be learning about what my new pathway involves.

I'm so grateful for the people I am working with at my last consulting client.  These people work hard in production of medical parts and they work 12 hour shifts on their feet.  I know I could not do it, especially at this age.  But I have meetings with groups of them each week and the pride they have and the support of each other is something we should all strive for.  I'm a contractor, I come in and out but the relationships are ones I have treasured.   I will miss them when I am done at the end of March.

I am so grateful for the video technology that connects us these days!  I know at this point in the pandemic people are ready to toss technology out the window but I have a zoom account for work purposes and I have held my lead meetings that way easily but also had many happy hours with my besties and reconnected with my gal pal in Seattle that I had not laid eyes on in 6 years!  So easy, click and there we all are for a virtual happy hour!

Speaking of virtual connections, I'm grateful for having reconnected with my friend Mike, a fellow consultant in California.  We've done our virtual get togethers since the beginning of the pandemic but I really enjoy hearing about his projects with his grandson, books he's reading, work and life stuff we've experienced...and always grateful for his mentoring.  He has an insight of training and some of the more congruent work projects we both do and there are times I feel like a completely blank screen and he'll make a suggestion or send me some of his materials and it all clicks.  

Our house has a wood-burning fireplace and some winters we use it a bit more than others.  This is one of those winters.  Last night we sat here as the temps went WAY south fast (it was -9 this morning when we were having coffee) and watched the flames and their mesmerizing colors dance around the logs.  It was a welcome warmth that seemed to go right to the soul and relax us and put the pups to sleep as soon as it filled the room with the low light and rich embrace of the heat that it gave off.  I have been known to fall asleep in front of the fire and the hubs will let it go out, close the doors over it and put a blanket gently over me and let me sleep well right there.  Though last night I did make it to bed, the fire filled me up with a deep peace only it can provide.

Our fur kids, Izzy and Monse...what would we do without them?  We laugh at and with them ALL. THE. TIME!  Even when Izzy put her nose on the table yesterday and grabbed my knitting and took it into the living room and shredded my bamboo needles and gave a good rip to the square I was practicing on.  Izzy has a bit of rebel in her and a tad of separation anxiety and we've come home to some pretty wild scenes.  She can't be crated so we just count on Monse to do "therapy" and keep her calm.  All is typically wonderful but some days...  Gotta love them!

I am not only grateful but humbled that someone I love to pieces, a dear friend from my hometown and college, made me this beautiful sweater...knit it by hand!  It fits me like it was measured inch by inch and yet the knitter was 500 miles away.  I wore it to class the other day and everyone was marveling at the talent.  I am in awe!

So it's the day to just think about the things that are not necessarily the monumental things (well, I think that sweater is pretty monumental...) and stop to smell, laugh, relax and think about things that we might not in the fast moving days we find ourselves consumed with.  The hubs is about to retire in a few days, I will in a few weeks and then just teach yoga and personal training.  I'm profoundly grateful that we are happy, healthy and able to enjoy this time in our lives and take the time to embrace things like the little hyacinth from the local grocery store.

Remember to be grateful for the little randoms that float by you...

For "new people" that happen into our lives...

Have you every taken the time to really stop and think, wonder about the people that come in (and out) of your life?  At any location, any time...  There is that old adage "people come for a reason, a season or a lifetime." And I do ponder often about the gifts they bring to my (our) life.

This past weekend we were in a favorite haunt to have some holiday cheer.  A place I have many fond memories of over the years and then when the hubs was introduced to it, he just fell in LOVE with the place! It is one of his top 5 without a doubt.  Old-time, old fashioned bar with the staff in white shirts and black bow ties, dark wood paneling and bar...a VERY rich history and at the holidays, the decor and spirit that oozes fun.  And great food to boot.  

We decided kind of last second to walk to this spot since we were in the neighborhood.  To say it was packed with holiday revelers is a significant understatement!  We looked for a spot to sit at the bar and it was an immediate realization that it was not going to happen so we just looked to inch into a spot to get the bartender's attention to order drinks.  No small effort as it was 3 people deep most spots.  

This was an interesting stroll up and down the bar area to find an opening for a number of reasons.  Just taking in the place that I am only in about 2 or 3 times a year and love. But as I walked behind the hubs and watched the people around me, I was struck at two particular people I could not take my eyes away from.  It was one of those moments that you wonder if you're seeing your friend or just their doppelgänger. 

Paulie, our amazing and kind, loving friend who moved here from County Mayo in Ireland and became a restaurant proprietor.  He is one of the kindest people and though we don't see him often, we talk about him often and miss his smile and presence.  His twin was sitting at a table with 3 women having dinner.  I actually got close enough to make eye contact to see if it was truly him.  It wasn't but it was one of those moments...you just keep looking thinking it really IS him!

Jen, our beloved vet tech at our traditional vet...  She has a smile and that contagious laughter you fall right in love with when you meet her. Well, there at the edge of the waiters' station at the bar was Jen's doppelgänger and as with Paulie's twin, I could not take my eyes from her because she smiled like Jen, laughed like her, had the same curly hair...it was her!  I looked often enough that I thought she was probably going to look at me and ask just what I was staring at.  

But then the universe stepped in and the lovely woman sitting next to her, her close friend, asked if we were trying to get the bartender's attention to get drinks.  The hubs said yes and this sweet lady got the bartender over and the drink order placed :)  As we waited for drinks to come back our way, we told the ladies about Jen looking so much like one of them and the conversation was off and running.  Three rounds later, we were exchanging emails and phone numbers.  I so wish we had taken some pictures before that crew had all departed!  

There are those people that are put into your path that seem to be beyond the meeting one time and while you may not see them but on a rare occasion, you can reach out and say hello and enjoy the time in laughter and stories.  Like our friends Michelle and Damien in Dublin, Bente and Jon in Norway, both couples we know from a Springsteen concert in Ireland in 2016.  

What brings these people to us?  Chance meetings, passings in conversation and a drink order in a bar.  I can think of times when it was truly a passing of ships and it was a time when I was feeling horrible and the small talk, the chat left me feeling like a million dollars.  Times where I truly felt like I was in my boat alone with no oars.  And then someone will show up, a complete stranger, and it will be a moment of laughter, sharing of similar stories and we are exchanging emails or cell phone numbers or agreeing to have coffee sometime in a few weeks.  We may not be erecting monuments to the friendship in the months to come, but the energy of people who "happen" into our lives sometimes are just exactly what the world knows we would love.  

The synchronicity of life...

Ah yes, the synchronicity!  As we were all parting from our chance meeting and I made a passing comment in the glow of "holiday cheer",  finishing a previous conversation about "daughters" that I had been a sorority mom/advisor to for 15 years... daughters of the heart.  The daughter of Jen's twin asked what sorority and I told her it was the same one I had been a member of in undergrad and now another chapter near us had asked me to come in as alumni advisor.  When I told her what sorority it was there was a collective squeal from the 3 ladies I had been having so much fun with and the daughter blurted out our sorority's motto!  She is a member of the same sisterhood, different chapter!  There is something about being a member of the same sorority for many women that is special; you know and experience all of the same things, different generations, different locations even though you may not know one another or be in the same location.  A bond.  And here a stranger who had become a new friend shared a bond that has been a part of my life for over 40 years and still plays a small part through all of those beloved daughters who still are with us.

Those chance meetings, the laughter, the stories, the exchange of contact information.  The occasional card, email, text.  Life gives us so many chances to gather in the souls who are supposed to be there at any given time and/or place to fill our hearts (and hopefully we fill theirs!) whether they remain long into later life or just for the moment.  The love and laughter meant to fill our hearts and souls.  Right there in front of us.

I am grateful for every single one that has brought the positive and loving energy into our lives during these rough times (and all of the good times!)  Take the time to pay attention to the love and laughter that comes your way and embrace gratitude for it.

And...go be love out there, the world really needs you for that right now <3

For Jillayne...

At this age, I've had a lot of people come in and out of my life.   Few can stand next to Jillayne, my former student from St. Kate's that passed away a few days ago.  To say that her earthly being was remarkable is a significant understatement.

I have struggled with how to put into words who she was, the depth of her soul and being...so I suppose that describing her as a student would be a start...

One spring semester I prepared my syllabus for Principles of Management class.  One of the assignments/projects was to be a group presentation where the student groups did an audit of a management practice in a company they knew and revised or recommended changes to improve the practice.  Each of the four team members were to verbally present their portion of the project in front of the class at the end of the semester.  

The first day of class was always going through the syllabus in detail and answering questions and getting to know one another.  The VERY first student through the door that day was Jillayne.  Jillayne was in a wheelchair and on a ventilator and had her nurse with her.  She said hello, introduced me to her nurse, and explained that her nurse would be in class with her each session.  She promptly parked herself in the front row and waited for class to start.  

After we went through everything and class came to a close, I asked Jillayne to hang back a moment.  I told her that I planned class without realizing I needed to offer accommodation to a student and that for her group project, she'd be allowed to do a bulk of research instead of the oral presentation section.  I barely finished my sentence and she said to me "NO!, I am no different than any other student, I've got this!"  Her nurse looked at me and nodded in affirmation.  OK, how is this going to play out...

When the day came, the four young women took their place in front of the room and the first 3 gave their assessment of their project sections.  They asked for a momentary pause and Jillayne and her nurse went out into the hallway.  I held my breath not knowing what was going on and then the door opened and Jillayne appeared in front of the room, off her ventilator.  She delivered an amazing presentation and when she was done, thanked everyone and returned to the hallway where her nurse hooked her back up to her ventilator.

I was in awe of this amazing young woman.  And to think I bitch about my shoulders hurting...

THAT was Jillayne..."I'VE GOT THIS!"

We stayed in close touch on social media after I left St. Kate's and not too long ago she asked me to write a recommendation letter for her.  When I asked who I was to send it to and what she was up to, she told me she was going to study at the Berkeley School of Music.  I was in awe of her desire to do in life whatever excited her and proudly wrote that letter.  And so she was set...she messaged me that she was in and on her way to study music!  Once again in awe of her, I just knew that there were few things she could not tackle.

And about a month ago I got a phone call from her mother Debi.  Jillayne had been in the hospital almost the entire summer with breathing/lung issues.  The doctors had sent her home on hospice, there was nothing more they could do to help her.  Debi told me that on the list of people she wanted contacted, I was on that list.

This I did not expect.

I went back and forth between feeling like I'd been dealt a gut punch and being humbled and honored that I was on her "list."  I suppose I expected that she would be one of those students that would always be there to touch base with and connect on her new adventures and what she was conquering at any point in her life.  And she did CONQUER life!  How at this point, could life be kicking her and taking her light?

Jillayne commented to her mother that she felt like she had not accomplished much in her 30 years.  As I sat and visited with the two of them about two weeks ago, I learned exactly what she had "not" accomplished. Allow me to brag about this amazing, giving, kind, brave and generous young woman...

She got me started donating to Guide Dogs for the Blind because she had a friend who was involved and told me how important this was.   She collected over 500 stuffed animals for a project named "Critters for Kids in Crisis", she served as a youth commissioner on the Human Rights Commission in her hometown in MN, she created K-9 first-aid kits so that each K-9 Officer in her hometown would be able to treat their K-9 partner in an emergency, she helped with National Night out and Holiday Helpers in Blue and a litany of other selfless contributions. As I sat with the two of them, Debi told me in detail how Jillayne had gotten a change in the curbing structure started in her hometown that would eventually aid those who needed better access. Recently, the police department made her an honorary reserve officer in a beautiful tribute recently recognizing her selfless dedication to helping others.

And did I mention that she was a 4.0 student and was still taking her classes online from her hospital bed just a few weeks ago?

I would be remiss on an enormous level if I did not mention Jillayne's mom, Debi. Debi dedicated her entire life to caring for her amazing daughter and standing by her side in every single adventure and every single challenge. Debi's selfless and complete love and devotion was a beautiful partnership between mother and daughter. Everyone should have a mom like Debi and I am so in awe of their loving relationship. I cannot say enough about this amazing, loving and dedicated mom.

I had a work project that was taking a good deal of time and could not get out to make a second visit so I was texting the both of them to check in and tell them that I was still thinking of them and praying hard for them both and sending a lot of love. The other day when I texted, Debi wrote back that Jillayne would leave us sometime that day. And though we all know what "hospice" means, I did not expect that. I expected to make another visit next week and bring her favorite candy from The Drooling Moose candy shop. I felt like that gut punch had come full force. She was made of iron, how could this happen to someone who did SO much for others?

Jillayne was so easy to love, so easy to smile with and soul of such great depth and kindness. The enormous void she leaves will be impossible to fill on so many levels. However, she leaves us with inspiration to be a better version of ourselves, to give to others in so many ways, to overcome the things that life throws down in front of us and to live our lives in love, as she has always done with the partnership of her mom alongside her.

Jillayne, I honor you here and though it is from my heart, it pales in comparison to who you were here on earth. I know that you'll be watching over mom and those of us who loved you so and are grateful for your role in our lives. Thank you for honoring me by remaining in my life, you will always remain close to my heart. The world needs more people like you, without a doubt.

Fly high amazing friend, make sure you visit mom often to comfort her broken heart and stop by here if you get a moment. Love you...

Girls in their summer clothes, in the cool of the evening...

Ah, the words of Bruce Springsteen and one of my top 3 fave songs of his...  Girls in Their Summer Clothes...

I sit in my summer clothes, in the cool of the evening out on the deck.  Dark now and the smell of the passing rain offers up what is an amazing and deep sensory reward for the inconvenience of running indoors a few moments ago.  That beautiful scent of rainfall on the grass in summer and the downpour hitting the cement patio offers up one of those fragrant moments we dream of and crave in the winter.  And then there is the symphony of summer sounds...the choir of frogs and crickets in the surrounding woods that in their collective serenade bring the evening to a height of summer sensation.  I could not be more blessed it feels like.  And though I cannot see them in the dark, the immense beauty of the flowers in the containers and the plants in the landscaped areas I created years ago call to me without the necessity of a visual connection.

The hubs is inside puttering with something and the pups wander the yard in the dark.  My 3 angels who have been my greatest joy in some deeply personal passages this summer.  I have no idea how I got so lucky to have this thoughtful, kind, generous and fun-loving man for my life partner.  Maybe it was all of the frogs I kissed before him let me know how to recognize the prince.  One of my bridesmaids/besties put it more bluntly when the hubs and I first started dating..."girl, you are an asshole magnet!  If they are in Cook or the collar counties they find you.  He's normal and he's wonderful, you'll marry this one!"  She was right and 26+ years into marriage, I love him more than the day we walked down the aisle.

I was sitting here thinking of this summer and how blessed we are on so many levels.  Friends Steve and Paula were in town from Green Bay for a family event, and we went for pizza and beer one warm Saturday night and the restaurant actually closed with us still sitting on the patio laughing and talking.  We were still talking the next day about how much fun it was.  Such great people AND rowing pals to boot!

We've had a neighbor friend who is a contractor remodeling two bathrooms in the house and having him around has been a blessing not only in getting the two most ugly bathrooms in history updated, witnessing his seemingly limitless creativity has been amazing.  I came home from surgery to find he had done our medicine cabinet over in bathroom #1 in the most beautiful creation I could have asked for as a surprise for me.  And it is something I never could have imagined (I was going to paint the old shuttered one white...) It will feel empty soon when bathroom #2 is done and he is not coming through the door every morning.  

I have taken the video account craze/necessity during pandemic into my personal space to reach out to a friend in California in the same profession and reconnecting has been wonderful.  I met Mike probably close to 20 years ago at a national conference and we'd see each other in passing each year at the conference or share an email here and there.  The video connection now is always an assortment of discussions on a wide variety of topics but it has also reminded me that he is not only a great friend but mentor in sharing his expertise and experiences to enrich me personally and professionally.

Likewise with the video connection, I have reconnected just last week with an old boss that was so wonderful to work for.  He too is someone that, whether he realizes it or not, is still a great mentor and has contributed so much to my life in so many ways.  And as the years rolled by for each of us after I moved on from that job, he has become a very dear friend whose connection I treasure.

What a great birthday I had this summer as well!  Not a landmark one with over-the-top frivolity, but the hubs and I took off and he checked us into a hotel that was a bucket list destination for me.  We went to old haunts and had cheeseburgers and beers, went to a ballgame at my favorite/home ballpark and he surprised me with birthday love on the scoreboard.  We immersed ourselves in the Van Gogh exhibit, ate at a beautiful sidewalk cafe spot, shared a bottle of crisp white sauvignon blanc at another sidewalk location and walked the waterfront with coffee in hand after breakfast.  No worries, no pressures, nothing but unbridled joy in each moment.  It was heaven in 72 hours!

Rowing this summer is nothing short of spectacular.  After a fellow rower found the PERFECT spot just north of us on the river, a group of us racked our boats in the location she found and it is a little piece of paradise.  The water is beautiful, most times pure glass.  I cannot take a dozen strokes without stopping to look at the eagles flying overhead looking to the river for breakfast.  They often drop their catch on the shore near the boat racks and land to pick it apart, enjoying every morsel.  The fish jump over the stern in front of me, the swallows fly in and out of the little hidey-holes they nest in, and the only thing to worry about is the random pleasure craft approaching and creating rollers from their wake.  Where the racks are at the waterfront is immersed in wildflowers that fashion a palette of color of red, yellow and purple hues. A creature who has yet to divulge his identity leaves mussel shells on the shore from his nocturnal feast.  I recently told someone asking about my summer rowing adventures that this location was perfect for me/us because I am not an athlete, I am a cruise director, I row taking in every breath, every moment as the joy it presents.

And as I sit here post rainfall in the morning sun finishing my prose, the scene is even more blissful.  Incredible weather has blessed us this morning after a very hot, very dry summer.  The end of the week now and the end of a long several weeks on a work project, I sit in my robe with my coffee, the hubs is talking to the guy who will install the shower glass and the pups are laying in the sun next to me on the deck.  The vibrant colors of the summer flowers positively glow in the sunlight on the patio.  The breeze caresses us gently as we (pups and I) sit on the deck and it is inviting me to sit back in my chair and close my eyes and take it in, even if for a brief moment.  

In what is seemingly the blink of an eye, we will be gazing at the back wondering how much snow we got,  if we want a fire in the fireplace and what cocktail we want to toast the end of the week/start of the weekend.  So right here, right now, I am taking the time to give thanks and offer my gratitude for the summer and its love.  Every moment is my joyous blessing.

And since I'm still in my robe, guess I better put on Bruce and get into those summer clothes...