Just. freaking, grateful...

 I'm still processing a lot of this.  I've had the most amazing people support me and people I thought would be my support brush this off like I had a cold.  But as my yoga teacher pal said to me just this morning, "Cancer is cancer darling....my heart hurts for you guys!  Most people won't know or understand until they are in that predicament themselves or with a loved one...the worry, stress  and fear are infathomable until you live it!  And so many appointments,  consults, tests etc....very exhausting waaaaay before the procedure!"  I told the hubs that I don't feel worthy of the label "survivor" because it was not as traumatic as what others have been through.  But I have soul sisters (and brothers!) in my tribe who have quashed that and offered words like those above.  And I am humbled by their love.

But it does not change the fear and the surreal feeling that this happens to other people, not me/us.  It does not reduce the euphoria of hearing the words, "we got it all, clean margins, no lymph node involvement" and further directive that the only post-op action now is my appointment and bloodwork in 90 days.  No chemo, no radiation.  In no way does it change the feeling that your body has betrayed you somehow.  Unlike the aging process where you look in the mirror at the lines and creases and wonder how THAT could have happened, this is a feeling of "what was going on that I didn't pay attention to or know about?"  

The beginning of each day has a new light to it now beyond sunrise.  And though I knew he was a candidate for sainthood most of the time, the love the hubs has given me has been a good lesson for me too.  I've been the one doing for everyone else and really not paying attention to my own care.  I was conditioned from the time my brother came into my world that I was here to take care of others, often to may own detriment.  Thank goodness for the hubs who has put the brakes on and told me to SIT DOWN and take it easy so all can remain good moving forward.  Taking things slow has never been my MO and the hubs has been a good barometer so I know how and when to dial down.

I am blessed with some of the most amazing people in my life and I have had some of the greatest love sent my way through this all.  We kept this VERY quiet and told very few people because I have a family member who delights in being particularly cruel during times like this. The hubs and I worked to make sure he was kept out of the information trail so we could have the positive support without his energy marring that.  Since we are past the hardest part, handling his behavior is not an issue now.  We have been  blessed to have so much support, we are humbled that we are loved and supported by these amazing loved ones.  That is all that counts.

I have the blessing of the Mayo clinic handling my case.  From my onco, my surgeon and his resident, and all of the pathologists who figured it out and let us know it was gone.  This place is beyond remarkable and what we experienced was of the highest standard on all points.  I am blessed to be a patient there.

I sat last night watching the movie White Christmas.  Not my choice in late June but the hubs knows it's a fave of mine, so he chose it on a streaming channel.  And he promptly fell asleep as both of the fur kids did.  And I sat listening to Bing and Rosemary sing "Counting Your Blessings" and looking around, on one level it felt like another gut punch and another felt like I won the lottery.  I was so humbled, I am so blessed...

We have a loving home.  It is not a showpiece ready for tour or Architectural Digest to come photograph, it is a HOME that is complete with muddy paw prints ready for the mop on the kitchen floor.  Carpeting in the den and living room that will be replaced shortly and furniture in the den with covers because the fur kids are allowed to come up and cuddle with us.  We have the most beautiful oasis in the back in the form of deck, patio and garden that we sit and lose ourselves in.  We have transportation, work, and retirement coming shortly.

We have fur kids and anyone who knows us knows how important they are in our lives.  The new baby is only 7 months old and is so HUGE that the older one walks underneath her easily.  They wrestle, they bark, they empty the toy basket at least three times a day and I pick it up.  They drag in stuff from outside, the puppy has had accidents in the living room that I swear are her version of the middle finger.  But they are a special blessing on so many levels and I would not feel as good as I do without their medicine too.

Counting my blessings...it seems easy.  Hubs, pups, roof over my head and food on the table.  Amazing loved ones, family and friends.  Great medical care and NO MORE CANCER.  Seems easy...but I take the time to examine all of those little miracles one by one now.  The cardinals that nested in the arbor this spring, the orioles eating grape jelly from the hub's feeders.  The beauty of the farmer's market with its smells and colors of flowers and vegetables.  The warmth of the sun as I will sit in my floatie thing behind the boat while the hubs fishes on the little lake down the street.  The fish jumping just off my stern as I have my morning row north on the St. Croix river.  And ohhhhhhhh the morning row...  not even ten strokes and I have to stop and look at the beauty on the bluffs beside me.  Look at the crystal clear blue sky with an eagle overhead.  So many little miracles that are there for the taking into your soul.

There is a renewed perspective and love for all of it and the beautiful and authentic people in our lives that have been there for us.  Perspective on a good many things has shifted and though I did not endure what two of my besties from home have endured in their cancer battles, I will gratefully embrace the label of SURVIVOR from here forward.  And I will forever count my blessings like Bing and Rosemary 💗  And I won't hesitate to tell those amazing peeps in our lives how blessed we are to have them.

Thank you everyone, we are so blessed to have you and we love you so much.  I. am. so. freaking. GRATEFUL!