A chain of events, both large and small, were a huge wake up call for me the last 10 days. Those moments of quiet and silence in the wee, small hours of the night that have you examining a great many things and making the decision to embrace them or to be angry.
And I've been frustrated and angry for about a year and a half. MANY tough days that tore my heart out and I struggled with. Days I really didn't get past pain and sadness to examine. As tough and hard as I can be, when I love you and trust you and you screw me, it's not easy for me to deal with in my heart of hearts. And it doesn't hurt any less and it takes a long time to heal.
Enter our loving friends/neighbors Janet and Jim during this last painful week. They brought us a pizza for dinner the other night knowing we were probably not paying attention to meals. And at 3:30 the next morning I lay thinking about the last several days and what it had brought into my life.
A week ago today our oldest pup had her leg amputated due to bone cancer appearing very suddenly. It left us gasping for air... These pups are our children since we have no human ones. Each is a rescue from a tough life. She was fine a week earlier at the vet, then the groomer found a lump on her ankle, another week and her leg was gone.
Animals are so resilient and strong. So much more than we are. She had been stoic in her pain when the leg was there so to see her struggling in pain post-op made for sleepless nights and quiet tears in the shower alone. Since I have so many animal rescue friends on Facebook I posted some pictures of her and a wee bit of her story. And I was brought to tears by what I found.
I don't think in the 20 years here I have felt such love and support from people. And I was shocked.
You see, 20 years ago when I married the hubs, I was put in the position that I had to move. Away from my friends, away from my family, away from my home. Away from the city I love of several million people to a spot of a few thousand. A culture that was friendly but not anxious to welcome new friends as relationships. My first year here was so lonely that the phone bill each month (prior to cell service's free long distance or me even having a cell phone) was a good $360. I. FREAKING. HATED. IT. UP. HERE. I begged to move back to civilization. The poor hubs had to be the most miserable newlywed ever. Besides me.
There were a few people in this new place who were a little open, but experiences over the 20 years put in me a place that I felt that I could not trust the relationships to be consistent and ones I could rely on to be there when I needed that soft place to fall. People who, when you wrestled with tough days, cut you off and walked away and you never got that holiday invitation again.
Several people in the last year and a half have been just plain ugly on so many levels and for no reason I could fathom except that I was still that "city" girl and not "MN nice" and if you're unethical or hateful to me or others I will call you on it, at work or otherwise. I didn't see at the time they were a test and that they were not to be a long-term part of my life as it grew to a different place.
This created more than a few conversations (ok, monologues) grounded in me bitching that for all of these years I have been miserable and stuck here so homesick I can barely stand it. Complaining that I have no friends I can trust or that I can count on. Sick of being in podunk with people who know what color skivvies I have on at the moment and don't give a flying f*&% about anything beyond their own backyard or high school friends. TAKE. ME. BACK. HOME. I cannot trust any of these people for any reason.
And then I posted on Facebook a picture of our fur kid sans one leg, with a drain tube protruding from her hip, and filled with sutures and got a huge wake up call.
Seeing her picture and knowing what we were going through, Janet and Jim messaged us that they were leaving something for us on the porch but would not ring the bell so as not to disturb us all. They got us a pizza for dinner, Janet made cookies (DAMN GIRL, I WANT THAT RECIPE!) and Jim had picked out treats for the pups. The hubs has a BFF down the street he shares cooking info and recipes with (they are both the chefs in the family) and BFF called to check on us and ask what we needed and if he could bring anything to us. A gal pal of mine texted and asked if she could at least run to DQ for me to get me a treat and give me a break...she lives nearly 20 miles away. People asking what we needed, people sending prayers, and SO many from around here. I could not help but think that as devastating as this was to us, this was my message from above that I DO have people in my life up here that love me and are here for me. That the ones who were so horrible the last couple of years were a test and that I had seen that that I was being redirected to those amazing people in my life that are a loving support system. That I had to open my eyes to those loving souls and just make sure that the ones who were not true and loving were moved to the side or, in some cases, kicked to the curb.
And not for nothin' as my Jersey boy husband says, there were my FB pals from all around the country that posted prayers and kinds wishes and words of support and love. Some of whom I have never met but took the time to reach out with the smallest of kindness and let me/us know that we were thought of at such a tough time and that they cared. Thank you God for blessing me with those soft spots to fall in the night when I could not sleep but had those beautiful sentiments.
Life is a pathway and there are many stops along the line with experiences and people. The hubs is clearly one of my greatest and he brought me to a place that, though I have been here in my own misery and bitched about for 20 years, I truly believe has great people here who care about us and are true in their love for us.
I am so grateful for Janet and Jim and that pizza and goodies the other night because it cleared my head and heart when I needed it. I am so grateful for the people we know are there during tough times. I am grateful for those caring for our fur kids.
And I am grateful that God thumps me on the head when I am supposed to be learning something and says "PAY ATTENTION!" Because sometimes I do need a neon light.
I am grateful for so much today as we celebrate 20 years of marriage and partnership together.
And though our vacation got cancelled and we'll spend our 20th at home in our sweats instead of in swimsuits watching puesta del sol with margaritas in hand, I am grateful for the most kind and loving spouse that God gave me to grow with and grow old with. I am so grateful I didn't marry any of the other frogs I thought were the "one" at the time. Unanswered prayers turned out to be my blessing :)
I am grateful and I am blessed. I am loved.
