The clarity of looking back. It is a treasure.
A few years back, I was dealing with a plate full of shit...
A dean I reported to who literally wanted me to pay a student MANY thousands of dollars because the student did not want to take my class. Are you shaking your head too? He screamed and came totally unzipped and when I refused and told him further conversation would be with HR, I ended up without a job. A job that I loved and was my passion. A job I had been in for many years.
I was dumbfounded.
I had a sick pup who was about to have surgery. You know what my pups mean to me if you read this blog. Cancer under his tongue and the surgery is rough.
I had a family member that required extremely invasive biopsies. But the surgeon felt it necessary to put off the procedure four times (twice so he could take a vacation) and kick it out 9 months. And I felt crippled not being able to do what I wanted to do without it serving up retaliation on my family.
My own significant health issues that could have been dire.
A clergy person that did some unethical things hurting us.
When it rains it pours and it felt like it was raining boulders.
And I felt I had no solid and reliable support system to turn to. No one to really unload and process this all with and vent and cry at the behavior of people. The unfairness of it. No one to listen to me and say "this too shall pass." No one to process it all and say "this is a path and you'll be glad someday, I promise." When you don't have that balance, the only thing you hear is your own screaming.
The grief it was creating was overwhelming.
The sleepless nights and the stress felt like glass shattering in my head day after day.
The world was a really ugly place right around that time.
So, like many people, I blathered bullshit all over Facebook in ire and anger and was over the top myself. I was just a big balloon of FUCK YOU on so many levels.
I was sad.
I was angry.
I was heartbroken and grieving.
I was alone drowning in my riptide. No lifejacket. No lifeguard.
And a friend I valued and was in touch with from so many years ago in school gently reached out and let me know that he was struggling with my posts and didn't think we could stay connected if I was going to continue to be this evil twin of the person he knew and this whack job I had become. And instead of processing that and figuring it out, I stood my ground and told him that I was who I was. End of story.
I think he knew me better but he took me off Facebook.
Geez, I cannot imagine why.
Several years have gone by and I had the occasion to reach out to him for another reason (sending clients his way) and in the process of that, I also had the opportunity to reflect on what tore our friendship apart a few years back.
I did not like what I saw. It was not a pretty picture.
That pain as a vision in the rear view is tough. And if you are like me, it feels unforgivable at times. You have to be very gentle with yourself when you see what it was during those tough times.
I wrote and told him first I had some friends that I wanted to send him but I also took the time to tell him that I profoundly apologized for the nut case that he had dealt with back then. I told him that though it may not make sense, life was a bit overwhelming and I did not handle it all well, all of that stress. Not well at all. I said I hoped he would see past it and forgive it and reconnect.
I was pleased, touched, and happy to hear from him recently and reconnect. Kind and peaceful words from a pal who didn't judge but did understand that sometimes the gremlins take the wheel and it is not an easy ride. Someone who just said they were glad to reconnect.
We don't always have the blessing of people who forgive and understand the pain and grieving and that it takes on so many faces. That being alone in your grief and pain and loneliness escalates it and creates more of it, real or imagined. We don't always have people who can listen, process and say and do the things that bring peace and offer calm into a world that swirls like a category 5 hurricane with negativity and pain. And when you don't have those resources, processing and moving beyond the pain and grief to realize that you are being guided on a path to where you are exactly meant to be can take time.
Sometimes more time than we realize or would like :)
There has been a lot in the last several years that has been unspeakably painful and hard to process as a potential good thing. As a good path ahead that just had some speed bumps and detours. Life has a way of doing that. Adulting sucks at times. And I did not grow up with a soft place to fall during painful times. No one to help me process logically and sort it all out. Living your life without that and with criticism in its place creates something that is not good. And you don't even realize it.
But then you reconnect with someone who says "nah, we're cool, I totally get it. Life happens in the worst ways sometimes."
Someone who presents that look in the rear view.
The vision is always perfect in that view, what you would have/could have/should have done or said. The lesson that you are learning and taking forward. The growth and reflection. The introspection of how to kick it to the curb and know it was the best thing that could happen but just came wrapped in an ugly wrapper. That perfect vision and view of what would have worked best.
So I am grateful that my bud and I have reconnected and shared some great messages and insight. He's been kind and I am grateful for this artistic soul who has also taught me that forgiving someone's crazy shit is a great thing.
I've been lucky that the hubs forgives my crazy shit, but he did that "for better or for worse" thing so sometimes I wonder if he'd like to clock me instead of forgiving :)
I think my next lesson is to forgive my own crazy shit. I think learning how other people forgive themselves is the next plan. How do you do that? I struggle with that one ... profoundly. I'm pretty sure my family is OK with me (well they did survive menopause!) And I have some great peeps in my life these days. I'm grateful for those amazing people every moment of every day and their love and support.
Thank you for the look in the rear view my friend, it means a lot and is a beautiful lesson for me. I'm glad you're back :)
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