Grateful for summer traditions

There are a good many traditions we all hold dear in the summertime.  Ballgames, picnics, the beach…  So much fun to look forward to!  Twenty years ago we started a tradition that carries through to today and is one I look forward to with great anticipation, joy, and love.

I was a newlywed that had lived here just less than 3 months in 1995 when my birthday took place on a summer weekend.  I was profoundly lonely having just left my home, family, friends and moved to a town where the only people I knew were the hubs and our puppy.  Birthdays had always been special and spent with family in years past, and now I was here and missing them all.

But the hubs got that and planned a surprise to have my brother and a girlfriend come for a visit.  Along that weekend was a couple we had gotten to know through the hubs’ work.  They were a little younger than us and had been married about 3 years before we were.  On a company-sponsored weekend away a couple of years before, the four of us really created a nice bond and grew the beginning of a nice friendship.  This particular weekend at our house was a stop for them on the way to a 2 week family vacation at a cabin north of here and the overnight was a nice “break” in the 10 hour drive from their home.

That night was so fun!  Too many margaritas, fireworks in the back yard and a lot of laughter.  Poor Kris (wife of our couple pals) was pregnant with their first child and she was a spectator (instead of participant) to a lot of silly, drunken escapades since she could not drink.  I simply cannot imagine the tales she has in the back of her mind of the group of us and watching it all take place.  The next morning, she and her husband arose and packed up to head to the cabin with a wave of the hand and some crazy times tucked in the memory stash.

The next year, they called and asked if stopping on the way up would be OK again.  OF COURSE was the answer!  This time baby boy #1 was in tow and we fell in love with our new “nephew.”  Two people we love and now a 3d in the mix.  The tradition was started.

A little further down the line, “nephew” #2 came along and we were just as in love with him.  The nights up to the vacation were planned and now in some cases, included the night on the way back to “rest” during the 10 hour trek home.  Rest stops for the night at our home at some times were less rambunctious on the part of the adults since there were other responsibilities, but no less gleefully anticipated and planned for here at our house.  Two little boys now added to the joy in the anticipation the hubs and I had with their visits.  We could not be more excited for their arrival.

More traditions fell into place with their visits.  And to this day, each has a spot that is nearly always observed with the memories of the previous years in place as we play out a new year.

Dinners on the deck with laughter and stories.  More than a few beers, some visits there are pitchers of the hubs sangria.  Laughter and more laughter in the night air.

Dinner at a local spot that started when son #2 was just out of diapers.  One year he ran into the men’s room before mom could catch him, proud he go could on his own.  As she stood in the doorway, a biker in black leather stared her down.  She explained that the little man had run in and may need help and she needed to get him.  Mr. Biker held up his hand “WAIT HERE.”  It had to be earth-shaking to have this stranger dressed in somewhat intimidating garb “handling” this situation.  Mr. Biker returned to announce to mom “the little dude is sitting down, he’ll be out in a second, and we’ve got this covered.”  The bar manager explained to mom that Duncan (“Mr. Biker”) had kids of his own and mom had no reason to worry, he really did have the situation carefully handled.  In a brief moment later, the little man and Duncan emerged from the men’s room hand-in-hand with big smiles.  Mission accomplished.

Breakfast on the morning of their departure is another tradition that never changes…the hubs’ French toast with special ingredients and made with Texas toast.  The boys talk about it with excitement before arrival and the hubs could not be prouder to make it for them.  The tradition has enlarged and now the hubs makes extra to send along so that they can put it in the toaster for later.

In there have been baseball games, concerts in the lakefront park, and local festivals with lots of fun.  There have been trips down to our beach to see the river.  The boys have gone from little people that put tiny arms around my neck and small smooches on my cheek to grown men talking about college and so tall I loop my arms around their necks and they lift me high off the floor in their hugs.  They have deep voices and hair on their faces now.  They are incredible, bright, funny, loving nephews and I am beyond proud of them.  To have our lives blessed with them is incredible.

Time with their mom is my cherished tradition too.  Kris has been there to hear my frustration, comfort me when we traveled away together after my parents and the pups died, laugh with me at some of the crazy things, share secrets with, and talk about life, wine, parents and the things two women talk about who connect like we have.  She is one of the few women I do truly feel don’t judge me and really do love me with all of my “oops” that come along.  She has heard the deepest of my pain, I believe.  I can be myself with her and we are always good.  I have been with her at some of my worst times, when I am just feeling awful and so bitchy and she takes me to a place where I just laugh and for the moment forget that I am struggling.  She said one time that she thinks I’m her “sister from another mister” and I feel the same.  When she leaves and I watch as they drive out the driveway and turn the corner, there is a long void in my heart as that day drags on until she texts and says they are home.  I miss her so much and wish we were closer than the 6 hour drive.  This weekend as they left, we promised not to let the time go a year without a visit.  I am committed to that because the time goes way too fast.  And it's great therapy over a bottle of red...I cherish that.

Where did 20 summers go…

This summer tradition has changed over the years as the boys have grown and gotten into sports and gotten jobs and time frames for travel and schedules had to be juggled.  I can only remember one summer when we did not see them.  The hubs and I have planned for and waited with breathless anticipation at their arrival each year.  And felt our hearts sink in goodbyes watching them leave to go home until the next summer.  The tradition has been one that has morphed and grown and yet stayed the same. 

I cannot imagine a summer without them.

I hope the boys will somehow continue the tradition of coming to see us with their folks, or on their own as they grow into their own adult lives and create their own families.

I hope my “sister from another mister” and her hubs will keep the tradition going as the nephews lives change and they become empty nesters.

I hope this part of summer stays, does not change.  After all, that’s tradition and I love this one.  I feel like Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof watching life change and loving the traditions we so want to hold close.  Please keep this one sacred so I can love this part of summer.

And yet, this tradition can stay and we’ll find some new ones maybe too with them and growing families in years to come.

I love you guys, miss you more.  Here’s to our tradition of summer.

Grateful for age and laughter...to handle it all

It has been said, posted, put on billboards and greeting cards...  "Aging is not for wimps."  It is so very true.  It can be easier if you have a sense of humor.

And can laugh often.

At yourself.

I am finding, along with other gal pals my age or older, that there are a number of things to laugh at, marvel at, or swear at.  So far I am choosing to laugh.

OK I have sworn a couple of times.

Ladies who are pre-menopausal, take heed.  This is one helluva ride.  There are the hot flashes, night sweats and mood swings that are the standard.  Everyone talks about them and compares them.  I personally didn't have enough hot flashes to care about.  The night sweats were not nearly as bad as the horrible insomnia.  Now the mood swings were global in proportion, just ask the hubs.  He would whisper to the pups "I'll grab the car keys, you run for the door and make for the vehicle closest to the door..."

But there are other things.  These were the things I did marvel at...

I suddenly had a set of whiskers better than my spouse who has sported a dashing full beard or goatee since I met him 23 years ago.  Wax, pluck, laser your heart out.  Those effing things come back and are rooted into your jawbone.  They can be barely visible and so tiny that getting them in tweezers is like an act of God.  When you pull them out, the root is 3 feet long.

Your nose hairs suddenly look like you are named MARK instead of Marcia.  WTF?  NO one told me in that pre-pubescent speech that one day my nose hairs would rival my husband's either!   I want hair on my HEAD not up my nose!

You lose hair in some places (think about that) and start growing it in others!!!

And then there are the moments you just have to laugh and say "WTF" I am here to laugh at myself ...

I started working out with a trainer 2 years ago when I was diagnosed with osteoporosis in my hips and spine.  Increase bone density was the goal.  I was not going to be that 55+ woman with a broken hip.

I began working out with a wonderful young man in his early 30s named Matt.  Trainer-extraordinaire.  He has a degree in sports medicine/human performance (don't you love that second half...I could make a lot of jokes about that one...) and is phenomenally knowledgeable about exercise science, nutrition, and what to do for any age and body type to be more healthy.  I began the program and progressed nicely building muscle and bone, losing fat and weight desired.  Every 6 weeks a new program to increase along with my ability.  Along the line, I also built a nice friendship with a young man who is an incredibly professional, respectful guy.

Thank GAWD there is the respectful part...

One of my exercises consisted of "rotations" that involved planting my feet, grabbing an exercise band with both hands and rotating center to side.  One day as I began to set up and he was on the other end of the band tightening it to increase the workout, he said "OK now tighten that core!"

You know what happens when you tighten your gut sometimes?

Wait for it...

BACKFIRE!  Like a small shotgun blast.  In front of my trainer.

I was HORRIFIED.  HORR-I-FIED!!!!!!!

Bless his heart, in preserving my dignity, all he said was "hey, keep it moving, tighten that core!"

Really dude?  You really want me to do that again :)

Never acknowledged I had ripped one off in mid workout.

Then a few weeks later I go to the chiropractor who happens to be a friend and whose wife I adore and whose sister-in-law I used to work with.  If you've ever been to a chiropractor, you know they get  you into some pretty contorted positions to adjust you.

So here I was on my side with one leg straight, one bent, arms around myself.  Greg did the one, two, three-ADJUST.  And again...

BACKFIRE!  Smaller blast this time.

Again, a consummate professional who never even acknowledged it.  Again, I was HORR-I-FIED!

You can run but you cannot hide from that I swear.

No one tells you that your body will begin to do things on its own and thumb its nose at you and shriek with laughter.  In that speech my mother gave me about "the most wonderful part of being a woman" no where was the part about nose hairs, chin whiskers, farts, not sleeping, finding an evil twin, or sweating to the point of changing your jammies in the middle of the night.  You wonder what you were just saying...in mid-sentence!  You walk into a room and cannot figure out why you are there in the brain fog.  Or worry that when you laugh too hard or sneeze you'll pee just enough to make your eyes widen and wonder...  Thankfully, I can't add that to the list but I've laughed with other gal pals about it.

But you never have another period again :)  You never have to cruise the aisle for tampons and pads again.  You never have to "chart" your days again.  You never have clothes, chairs or other seats, vacations or events ruined again by having a period.  You never have those horrible cramps again.  Never have to think about birth control again (mostly...there are oops' that have been known to happen.)  I never understood those women who say they miss their period and mourn not having it.  Again, WTF?  Are they high?

You do however have to purchase a REALLY REALLY good mirror and set of tweezers.  Maybe some wrinkle cream and a probiotic.

And maintain a good sense of humor...

But you never have another period :)

I'll take it.

Grateful for Brenda

Today is one of those days that I am terribly down.  Horrible rowing this morning, someone stole my shoes off the beach where we put in the sculls, I have not slept in nearly 3 days, it's just not a bright outlook behind these green eyes.  Not the end of the world, but very tough.

So I am pushing to be grateful because in these moments, you need it most.  I am reminded of someone that I know thinks I am pretty OK and that means more to me than I can express.  She is my strength and has been many times when I needed it most.  On days like today.

Our self-talk is tough sometimes and when it is fueled by days like this it can be brutal.  I grew up hearing it and then internalizing it so that all I knew was to tell myself how bad I was, how ugly I was, how unworthy and unfit as a person I was, how dumb I was.  It can spiral out of control.  And then one person says something that confirms it in your mind and it's larger than life.  And gut-wrenching.

That is today.

I grew up with a mother that let me know that she never wanted kids (translation, me.  She worshipped my brother.  Even he will tell you that.)  She said she always told grandma if she HAD to have them then she would sit them on a fence and throw rocks at them.  She told me she used to sit way out in the back yard and chain smoke and fantasize about giving me up for adoption because I had colic and cried.  Daddy took the car to work, she had no car and was stuck home with me, a sick baby.  She told me every chance she got how bad I looked and it was mostly my hair.  She let me know how much she disapproved of the boys I liked or dated that did not meet her standards.  She let me know when my clothing did not meet her style preference.  She told me I needed to get married and become someone else's problem and she didn't care who I married as long as I was married.  The list of my shortcomings in her world was long and impressive because she could come up with just about anything to disapprove of with me.  When my heart was broken "no one wants to hear it" was the mantra.  As I got older, the void in my heart and her ugliness only grew.  In her final days she did a number of things that solidified that she wished I had not taken place.  Period.  I was good at nothing and in her world, good for nothing.

Having your mother let you know that from the time you are small can crush your spirit.  It can destroy your soul.  Even the strongest of us falls to our knees if we have gone through this and still feel the intense pain of it.  And in our lowest days it will whisper to us in vitriolic words.

But somewhere in there, God blessed me with this woman.  I call her the second love of my life (after the hubs) and the hubs calls her the mother I wish I had had.  My Brenda.

I met her through a fellow consultant.  As we went through the last 18 years (I think it has been that long) we've laughed, she's counseled, we've shared champagne and birthdays, lunches, dinners, opinions, hugs and many times my tears.  She is amazing.

She is slightly over 100 pounds, slightly over 5 feet, the most amazing huge blue eyes and beautiful smile.  Gorgeous white hair.  Educated at an elite Ivy League school in the 1950's and holding a doctorate degree, she is brilliant, diverse, funny, deep.  I've never seen her in pants :)  She always has on a beautiful dress and the pearl pin her husband gave her decades ago.  And at the time I least expect it, you'll hear her fling an "Oh bullshit" at the most appropriate time and you will least expect it from this class act.  But it just enhances, in a strange sort of way, this amazing woman.

She knows everything about me.  EVERYTHING.  She has never judged me or criticized me.  She has encouraged me and in the gentlest way nudged and moved me to grow and be a person we are both proud of in many situations.  She's walked me through some days when I felt like my heart was shattered into too many pieces to recover.  And she did something neither my mother nor my father, NO ONE has ever done for me.  She stood by me when I made mistakes.

She stood up tall for me in a situation where I needed support.  She was the voice that everyone wishes they had when they stand alone in a place defending themselves and feel desperately alone...she was the person who has your back.  She knew I was right, she knew I needed a voice that was one of power, authority and one that was respected.  And she stood tall for me.  I have never had that.  From anyone who purportedly cares about me.  It is easier to remain silent than take a chance and stand up for someone, no matter how much you care for them.  Not Brenda.  She is fierce in her loyalty like I am.

She's never been ashamed of me or to be my friend.  She allows me to be human.  She accepts that I may say or do something that my family and many friends would deem unacceptable because it was said or done in the heat of a moment and turned out to be a mistake or a bad judgment call.  She knows that those moments happen to everyone and that pain happens to everyone and she does not judge me because of it.

She does not judge me for what I cannot do "right."  She does not criticize when I fall short.  She has never criticized how I look, how I act, what I say.  She does not tell me what I need to change.

She tells me the good things.  As a person growing up hearing I was good at nothing and good FOR nothing, she reminds me that I was a GREAT teacher and professor.  She reminds me I am a deeply loyal friend to those I love.  She reminds me that I have been a loyal and devoted family member to even those who treat me badly and are ugly to me.  She tells me and reminds me that I do have good in me and I am good at and for many things and many people.

She loves ME.

There is nothing like being truly loved without reservation and judgment.  To be truly understood.  To really and truly matter to someone as a person, who you are.  Complete with mistakes and foibles.

Like me, Brenda never had birth children.  I like to think that God put us together for a reason.  And I am so deeply grateful because I found her just in time to take her love deep in my heart.  Though I hope I have a good 15 years with her, she is 82 and the reality is that as we grow older, life takes away more than it gives.  So I am savoring every ring of laughter and every twinkle in those huge blue eyes.

And in a certain synchronistic movement of the universe, I have been blessed with a beautiful young woman who I feel is in much the same situation I was in at that stage of my life.  I feel so often when she and I are together, this is a legacy coming forward.  I now have the chance to be a Brenda.  It is daunting but an honor.

I hope I am equal to the woman I adore in helping another know how much they are loved and how amazing they are.  I don't want to think what life would be like without Brenda.  I feel like having her come into my life was life-saving.

I am so very grateful for her and every single thing she has brought to me and my existence.  It is a humbling experience to be THAT loved and accepted by one person.  It is truly my special gift from God.

So at a time when it feels like I am drowning a bit I am going to call Brenda and ask her to have lunch to celebrate my birthday next week.  My special gift to myself to spend some time with her.  She never forgets my birthday or that of the hubs.  She never forgets to make you feel like you are the most important thing in her world.

Here's to you, second love of my life.  I would be less a woman had you not been brought into my life.  I love you to the moon and back.