So I am pushing to be grateful because in these moments, you need it most. I am reminded of someone that I know thinks I am pretty OK and that means more to me than I can express. She is my strength and has been many times when I needed it most. On days like today.
Our self-talk is tough sometimes and when it is fueled by days like this it can be brutal. I grew up hearing it and then internalizing it so that all I knew was to tell myself how bad I was, how ugly I was, how unworthy and unfit as a person I was, how dumb I was. It can spiral out of control. And then one person says something that confirms it in your mind and it's larger than life. And gut-wrenching.
That is today.
I grew up with a mother that let me know that she never wanted kids (translation, me. She worshipped my brother. Even he will tell you that.) She said she always told grandma if she HAD to have them then she would sit them on a fence and throw rocks at them. She told me she used to sit way out in the back yard and chain smoke and fantasize about giving me up for adoption because I had colic and cried. Daddy took the car to work, she had no car and was stuck home with me, a sick baby. She told me every chance she got how bad I looked and it was mostly my hair. She let me know how much she disapproved of the boys I liked or dated that did not meet her standards. She let me know when my clothing did not meet her style preference. She told me I needed to get married and become someone else's problem and she didn't care who I married as long as I was married. The list of my shortcomings in her world was long and impressive because she could come up with just about anything to disapprove of with me. When my heart was broken "no one wants to hear it" was the mantra. As I got older, the void in my heart and her ugliness only grew. In her final days she did a number of things that solidified that she wished I had not taken place. Period. I was good at nothing and in her world, good for nothing.
Having your mother let you know that from the time you are small can crush your spirit. It can destroy your soul. Even the strongest of us falls to our knees if we have gone through this and still feel the intense pain of it. And in our lowest days it will whisper to us in vitriolic words.
But somewhere in there, God blessed me with this woman. I call her the second love of my life (after the hubs) and the hubs calls her the mother I wish I had had. My Brenda.
I met her through a fellow consultant. As we went through the last 18 years (I think it has been that long) we've laughed, she's counseled, we've shared champagne and birthdays, lunches, dinners, opinions, hugs and many times my tears. She is amazing.
She is slightly over 100 pounds, slightly over 5 feet, the most amazing huge blue eyes and beautiful smile. Gorgeous white hair. Educated at an elite Ivy League school in the 1950's and holding a doctorate degree, she is brilliant, diverse, funny, deep. I've never seen her in pants :) She always has on a beautiful dress and the pearl pin her husband gave her decades ago. And at the time I least expect it, you'll hear her fling an "Oh bullshit" at the most appropriate time and you will least expect it from this class act. But it just enhances, in a strange sort of way, this amazing woman.
She knows everything about me. EVERYTHING. She has never judged me or criticized me. She has encouraged me and in the gentlest way nudged and moved me to grow and be a person we are both proud of in many situations. She's walked me through some days when I felt like my heart was shattered into too many pieces to recover. And she did something neither my mother nor my father, NO ONE has ever done for me. She stood by me when I made mistakes.
She stood up tall for me in a situation where I needed support. She was the voice that everyone wishes they had when they stand alone in a place defending themselves and feel desperately alone...she was the person who has your back. She knew I was right, she knew I needed a voice that was one of power, authority and one that was respected. And she stood tall for me. I have never had that. From anyone who purportedly cares about me. It is easier to remain silent than take a chance and stand up for someone, no matter how much you care for them. Not Brenda. She is fierce in her loyalty like I am.
She's never been ashamed of me or to be my friend. She allows me to be human. She accepts that I may say or do something that my family and many friends would deem unacceptable because it was said or done in the heat of a moment and turned out to be a mistake or a bad judgment call. She knows that those moments happen to everyone and that pain happens to everyone and she does not judge me because of it.
She does not judge me for what I cannot do "right." She does not criticize when I fall short. She has never criticized how I look, how I act, what I say. She does not tell me what I need to change.
She tells me the good things. As a person growing up hearing I was good at nothing and good FOR nothing, she reminds me that I was a GREAT teacher and professor. She reminds me I am a deeply loyal friend to those I love. She reminds me that I have been a loyal and devoted family member to even those who treat me badly and are ugly to me. She tells me and reminds me that I do have good in me and I am good at and for many things and many people.
She loves ME.
There is nothing like being truly loved without reservation and judgment. To be truly understood. To really and truly matter to someone as a person, who you are. Complete with mistakes and foibles.
Like me, Brenda never had birth children. I like to think that God put us together for a reason. And I am so deeply grateful because I found her just in time to take her love deep in my heart. Though I hope I have a good 15 years with her, she is 82 and the reality is that as we grow older, life takes away more than it gives. So I am savoring every ring of laughter and every twinkle in those huge blue eyes.
And in a certain synchronistic movement of the universe, I have been blessed with a beautiful young woman who I feel is in much the same situation I was in at that stage of my life. I feel so often when she and I are together, this is a legacy coming forward. I now have the chance to be a Brenda. It is daunting but an honor.
I hope I am equal to the woman I adore in helping another know how much they are loved and how amazing they are. I don't want to think what life would be like without Brenda. I feel like having her come into my life was life-saving.
I am so very grateful for her and every single thing she has brought to me and my existence. It is a humbling experience to be THAT loved and accepted by one person. It is truly my special gift from God.
So at a time when it feels like I am drowning a bit I am going to call Brenda and ask her to have lunch to celebrate my birthday next week. My special gift to myself to spend some time with her. She never forgets my birthday or that of the hubs. She never forgets to make you feel like you are the most important thing in her world.
Here's to you, second love of my life. I would be less a woman had you not been brought into my life. I love you to the moon and back.
No comments:
Post a Comment